I'd like a knee coach/genie to tell me at any given moment what's going on inside the knee. Do I need to elevate and ice RIGHT NOW or I'm screwed? Will it be okay to push a little today if I rest tomorrow and the next day? Is that bruisey feeling on the inside left over from the surgery and on its way out, or is it new scar tissue forming, on its way in?
Is the pain that's been encroaching as the week wears on related to a drop in temps or overuse?
ARGH. It's driving me crazy, I tell you.
Luckily, I'm about to distract myself with piles of work, including some more muckraking! Look out...
Friday, February 5, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Prudence
I'm trying these days. Really trying to be prudent. Still practicing yoga every a.m. but trying to really focus on how things feel and test my pain levels here and there but back right off if things still hurt. Like standing on one leg, which is keeping me from being able to take any kind of class. In the ever so strange world according to Melissa, that's a rule apparently. No yoga classes until you can stand on one leg w/out pain. Well, I guess that would be the new world according to Melissa.
Otherwise, the knee stuff is really up and down. Yesterday, ran around school, went swimming (!) and then took subway to a meeting but felt fine. Really fine. But more on the swimming. YES. The pool finally re-opened on campus and the ambien episode propelled me into the water where I managed to keep my heart rate up for 45 whole minutes! Finally. It wasn't totally pain free. Kicking kinda hurts, especially with the board. I have a terrible kick and it jerks my knee for some reason. Breast stroke -- fuggetaboutit. But I don't think it did any major damage. So it's on the agenda for 1x/week (still have the purple toes to consider -- see? prudence). In fact -- full disclosure -- I arranged my class schedule around the pool schedule this semester. Cuz it's only open 2 hours at a time and its' hard enough to get there anyhow, what with having to work and stuff. This way, I hope to get there more often than not.
I'm starting to wean off the crutches a bit. Tried the subway yesterday w/out them. They seem like overkill, except I do feel it when I don't use them. Part of my newfound prudence is quitting while I'm ahead, going for overkill rather than underkill.
But the main thing is, I am really, finally seeing slow and uneven improvement but I'm pretty sure it's improvement. Today is 6 weeks since surgery. Definitely still not better than I was before it, but have more hope that I"m headed in that direction.
Which is pretty cool. Oh, and I'm sitting in a cafe on the northwestern edge of Central Park and it's snowing. Which means I gotta get going cuz it gets slippery. But it also means I'm in the midst of one of those magical NY moments.
Otherwise, the knee stuff is really up and down. Yesterday, ran around school, went swimming (!) and then took subway to a meeting but felt fine. Really fine. But more on the swimming. YES. The pool finally re-opened on campus and the ambien episode propelled me into the water where I managed to keep my heart rate up for 45 whole minutes! Finally. It wasn't totally pain free. Kicking kinda hurts, especially with the board. I have a terrible kick and it jerks my knee for some reason. Breast stroke -- fuggetaboutit. But I don't think it did any major damage. So it's on the agenda for 1x/week (still have the purple toes to consider -- see? prudence). In fact -- full disclosure -- I arranged my class schedule around the pool schedule this semester. Cuz it's only open 2 hours at a time and its' hard enough to get there anyhow, what with having to work and stuff. This way, I hope to get there more often than not.
I'm starting to wean off the crutches a bit. Tried the subway yesterday w/out them. They seem like overkill, except I do feel it when I don't use them. Part of my newfound prudence is quitting while I'm ahead, going for overkill rather than underkill.
But the main thing is, I am really, finally seeing slow and uneven improvement but I'm pretty sure it's improvement. Today is 6 weeks since surgery. Definitely still not better than I was before it, but have more hope that I"m headed in that direction.
Which is pretty cool. Oh, and I'm sitting in a cafe on the northwestern edge of Central Park and it's snowing. Which means I gotta get going cuz it gets slippery. But it also means I'm in the midst of one of those magical NY moments.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Um
This might scare some of you but I guess I'll keep it up as a cautionary tale and "proof" that those stories about what happens to you on ambien are true. I took some late last night after a very long and difficult evening where we met with a financial planner. I'd had one beer during dinner. And this is the edited version of what I wrote:
***
Oh the guilt inducing things that I have piled on my bed w/me tonight. And yes they're pretty much all G-rated: I am nestled in a sea of no less than four kinds of junk food, a fitness magazine, a kitty cat and some tea. And it's 1 a.m. and I ahve to start teaching tomorrow. Up at 6 according to the new schedule.
But what led me here was, basically some ambien. Yes folks you are witness to the infamous side effect of ambien known as sleep eating. In fact the crinkly bags of no-good stuff festooning me are nothing compared to what some have sleep-eaten: dishwashing liquid; entire bag of chocolate chips; shaving cream (it's true).
What got me here was a big ol coffee late in the day in honor of our meeting
Long story short -- we're both okay for now bc we are allergic to high interest rates so we refuse to carry credit card debt.... In short, we are un American. Pleas think about deporting us pronto. Blech. Brain is dead. And the EeePC logo is floating back and forth across the bottom of my laptop. And indeed, they've now made the blogger logo 3-D Which is pretty cool.
But also maybe it's time to go to bed. We're having a party over here anywy and someone needs help finishing those chips.
****
Yikes. This has happened before but I never went and turned on the computer and wrote something entirely public that also disclosed the S.O.'s financial situation (I deleted that part just now).
Did sleep soundly though...
***
Oh the guilt inducing things that I have piled on my bed w/me tonight. And yes they're pretty much all G-rated: I am nestled in a sea of no less than four kinds of junk food, a fitness magazine, a kitty cat and some tea. And it's 1 a.m. and I ahve to start teaching tomorrow. Up at 6 according to the new schedule.
But what led me here was, basically some ambien. Yes folks you are witness to the infamous side effect of ambien known as sleep eating. In fact the crinkly bags of no-good stuff festooning me are nothing compared to what some have sleep-eaten: dishwashing liquid; entire bag of chocolate chips; shaving cream (it's true).
What got me here was a big ol coffee late in the day in honor of our meeting
Long story short -- we're both okay for now bc we are allergic to high interest rates so we refuse to carry credit card debt.... In short, we are un American. Pleas think about deporting us pronto. Blech. Brain is dead. And the EeePC logo is floating back and forth across the bottom of my laptop. And indeed, they've now made the blogger logo 3-D Which is pretty cool.
But also maybe it's time to go to bed. We're having a party over here anywy and someone needs help finishing those chips.
****
Yikes. This has happened before but I never went and turned on the computer and wrote something entirely public that also disclosed the S.O.'s financial situation (I deleted that part just now).
Did sleep soundly though...
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Bloguilt
It's bad enough I have perma-guilt about not doing enough work; not taking good enough care of my knee; being mean to the S.O.; being a bad daughter (and etc, etc, etc), but now, I have to say, I also have not blogging enough guilt. (As if my posts were all that interesting in the first place that people are just out there cursing me for not writing anything. As if the very interesting, active and few people who read this don't have better things to do). Next thing I'll start resenting the hell out of this blog and telling it how ungrateful it is (hi backatcha, Julie R).
It's not like I have anything better to do, myself. It's more that I've been checking out in the evenings -- streaming disappointing TV with the S.O. or, well, mainly that -- when I normally post and during the day I feel too guilty (aha -- a hierarchy of neuroses) to take the time away from work.
Which continues to pile up despite all my efforts to deal with it by ignoring it. I'm in quite the non productive phase (still).
But since I'm here, a quick update. A lot of crutching around this week, what with various meetings and 'rents in town. I have a new rule for myself that taking the subway = crutches. It's actually really smart and works on multiple levels: 1) it's much much better for the knees (I use two otherwise, Lefty really starts to whine); 2) it keeps me from doing too much aimless wandering of aisles (ever try looking at clothes in a crowded Manhattan store w/crutches under your arms? -- there's just no joy in it, trust me); 3) I don't walk and eat or drink coffee (which is kind of neither here nor there but saves $$ I guess); 4) it cuts down on time needed to strengthen my upper body (looking pretty buff, I might add); 5) bonus calorie burn.
We took my ma to S.K. for a consult yesterday. Nothing like a pair of crutches and a full head of hair to confuse the hell out of people in the waiting room at Sloane Kettering. But, yeah, the waiting room was packed. Really, really tragic. Mom's condition also not so great tho I won't go into detail. I will say her spirits have not changed -- on Monday night, she took the S.O. aside and said something ENTIRELY inappropriate related to her dying and my permanently engaged (as opposed to married) status w/him. Talk about guilt.
But this is a TKR blog anyhow. SO, the good news is (drumroll, please...). Today was PRETTY GOOD pain-wise!! I even crutched 15 blocks to an appointment, took the subway to midtown, crutched a few avenues and subway'd home. It hurt on stairs and after a while walking, but as soon as I sat and rested, it felt much better. I tell you, this is really a huge improvement, esp. since yesterday was all about the weather. Feh. I even drove to Pilates for a late evening "treat" (yes, I did check the clock 150 times but it was better than nothing)
It's not like I have anything better to do, myself. It's more that I've been checking out in the evenings -- streaming disappointing TV with the S.O. or, well, mainly that -- when I normally post and during the day I feel too guilty (aha -- a hierarchy of neuroses) to take the time away from work.
Which continues to pile up despite all my efforts to deal with it by ignoring it. I'm in quite the non productive phase (still).
But since I'm here, a quick update. A lot of crutching around this week, what with various meetings and 'rents in town. I have a new rule for myself that taking the subway = crutches. It's actually really smart and works on multiple levels: 1) it's much much better for the knees (I use two otherwise, Lefty really starts to whine); 2) it keeps me from doing too much aimless wandering of aisles (ever try looking at clothes in a crowded Manhattan store w/crutches under your arms? -- there's just no joy in it, trust me); 3) I don't walk and eat or drink coffee (which is kind of neither here nor there but saves $$ I guess); 4) it cuts down on time needed to strengthen my upper body (looking pretty buff, I might add); 5) bonus calorie burn.
We took my ma to S.K. for a consult yesterday. Nothing like a pair of crutches and a full head of hair to confuse the hell out of people in the waiting room at Sloane Kettering. But, yeah, the waiting room was packed. Really, really tragic. Mom's condition also not so great tho I won't go into detail. I will say her spirits have not changed -- on Monday night, she took the S.O. aside and said something ENTIRELY inappropriate related to her dying and my permanently engaged (as opposed to married) status w/him. Talk about guilt.
But this is a TKR blog anyhow. SO, the good news is (drumroll, please...). Today was PRETTY GOOD pain-wise!! I even crutched 15 blocks to an appointment, took the subway to midtown, crutched a few avenues and subway'd home. It hurt on stairs and after a while walking, but as soon as I sat and rested, it felt much better. I tell you, this is really a huge improvement, esp. since yesterday was all about the weather. Feh. I even drove to Pilates for a late evening "treat" (yes, I did check the clock 150 times but it was better than nothing)
Sunday, January 24, 2010
To swim or not to swim & Further info
So I had the brilliant idea to do a 10 day trial at this big sports complex w/a pool this weekend. I can drive there and probably park close by (at least on a Sunday) and I thought swimming should be okay. But now I dunno. It's all cold and rainy and the pool is only 78 degrees which is cold to my wussy-ass. And there's my toes to consider, which I'm more on top of this winter (haha) but I notice they're starting to blister just a bit. Shhhh. Don't tell the S.O. -- he freaks out about the toe thing.
Plus there's there are the extra steps of finding my way thru a new place, locker room, etc.
And I have a big week chock full o'meetings and the 'rents arrive in town tomorrow so there's hanging out with them and going to Sloan Kettering on Tues. for appt. w/my mom. Fun!
But, how boring is this?
More details from dr appt. and why he hates P.T.
According to Dr. it's a myth that that electric stim does anything for your muscles. He explained why but I forget what he said now. It sounded plausible. Plus he insists that although a PT will tell me that it's important to build muscles to support my knee, at this point that's impossible. So they would be selling me snake oil. And anyway, he says the only way to heal a joint is to rest the joint. Leg lifts won't really help.
Hmph.
Meantime, the trick now is for me not to develop permanent scar tissue. Which is why I need to elevate and ice as much as possible. Not that activity causes scar tissue, but I think the inflammation might sort of exacerbate it. And I think that perhaps the fluid that is in the swollen knee helps to build scar tissue.
But to be honest, even tho the doc spent 3x as long with me as he ever has, what I don't know about scar tissue could fill an olympic sized swimming pool.
Plus there's there are the extra steps of finding my way thru a new place, locker room, etc.
And I have a big week chock full o'meetings and the 'rents arrive in town tomorrow so there's hanging out with them and going to Sloan Kettering on Tues. for appt. w/my mom. Fun!
But, how boring is this?
More details from dr appt. and why he hates P.T.
According to Dr. it's a myth that that electric stim does anything for your muscles. He explained why but I forget what he said now. It sounded plausible. Plus he insists that although a PT will tell me that it's important to build muscles to support my knee, at this point that's impossible. So they would be selling me snake oil. And anyway, he says the only way to heal a joint is to rest the joint. Leg lifts won't really help.
Hmph.
Meantime, the trick now is for me not to develop permanent scar tissue. Which is why I need to elevate and ice as much as possible. Not that activity causes scar tissue, but I think the inflammation might sort of exacerbate it. And I think that perhaps the fluid that is in the swollen knee helps to build scar tissue.
But to be honest, even tho the doc spent 3x as long with me as he ever has, what I don't know about scar tissue could fill an olympic sized swimming pool.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Full Disclosure
Okay, time to come clean. 2 weeks ago (give or take), my mom was diagnosed with her 4th recurrence of breast cancer. Oddly, the first 3 were each different types/cases. But this one is one she's had before (even tho with each of the last two, she removed a breast). Which means she has metastatic breast cancer, stage 4. It's not good. Which is not to say it's bad and/or terrible, but it's all very unknown. Of course, life is unknown, etc, etc. But still. It's stressful.
And let's just say my family is not going to be featured in any after-school specials about finding healthy ways to deal with terminal illness any time soon.
So combine that with the general stress of my job and the fact that after 18 fucking months -- yes, 18 months and two extra, bonus surgeries, I'm still flat on my ass and chained to my ice packs -- and you have the miration (indeed, I made that word up) in self pity of which I previously spoke.
Of course, we all know that my #1 method for coping with stress, upset, and life in general is to break a good sweat for 45 minutes to an hour. But as we also know, that is off limits at the moment.
And, I might add that I work at home. Which is excellent and wonderful and I wouldn't have it any other way. I carefully made a choice 15 years ago to gear my career towards being able to work from home, and I stand behind that choice 99.9% Only, it also means that being stuck at home is not entirely unlike being stuck at my office. An extra 6 hours of home-time does not necessarily equal an automatic extra 6 hours of relax time. It generally means 6 hours where I could be doing productive shit. Relatedly, it means that to relax, I tend to LEAVE my home/office. Go out with friends, wander around some grocery store, go to the gym or yoga. You get the picture.
In short, I am not relaxed! In fact, I CANNOT relax. And I'm sorry if many people out there would give their (puffy/flat/bucket/hotentot ass to be stuck at home on the couch, entirely absolved of any guilt about leaving said couch, let alone working out). It doesn't work that way for me. I want my endorphins. NOW.
In shorter short, this fucking sucks!
That's all I'm sayin'.
And let's just say my family is not going to be featured in any after-school specials about finding healthy ways to deal with terminal illness any time soon.
So combine that with the general stress of my job and the fact that after 18 fucking months -- yes, 18 months and two extra, bonus surgeries, I'm still flat on my ass and chained to my ice packs -- and you have the miration (indeed, I made that word up) in self pity of which I previously spoke.
Of course, we all know that my #1 method for coping with stress, upset, and life in general is to break a good sweat for 45 minutes to an hour. But as we also know, that is off limits at the moment.
And, I might add that I work at home. Which is excellent and wonderful and I wouldn't have it any other way. I carefully made a choice 15 years ago to gear my career towards being able to work from home, and I stand behind that choice 99.9% Only, it also means that being stuck at home is not entirely unlike being stuck at my office. An extra 6 hours of home-time does not necessarily equal an automatic extra 6 hours of relax time. It generally means 6 hours where I could be doing productive shit. Relatedly, it means that to relax, I tend to LEAVE my home/office. Go out with friends, wander around some grocery store, go to the gym or yoga. You get the picture.
In short, I am not relaxed! In fact, I CANNOT relax. And I'm sorry if many people out there would give their (puffy/flat/bucket/hotentot ass to be stuck at home on the couch, entirely absolved of any guilt about leaving said couch, let alone working out). It doesn't work that way for me. I want my endorphins. NOW.
In shorter short, this fucking sucks!
That's all I'm sayin'.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
3 for the price of 1
After 15 1/2 years of seeing the same surgeon, I had the longest appt. ever today -- in fact, it lasted about as long as 3 appointments. The reason? My younger sister came with me and managed successfully to barrage him with questions in a manner that was both innocent and concerned, inquisitive and polite. Or maybe his schedule wasn't booked, or he was in a good mood after the King holiday. Or, he was off his game.
In any event, we got lots and lots of info.
Unfortunately, the upshot is that it's going to be another couple months before I'm back on my own game. Which means another couple months of sitting on my ass as much as possible.
I know, many people out there wish it were them. I, myself, have dreamed of this kind of thing from time to time. But, honestly, no one likes bed rest. Especially for months on end. No one. Well, okay, maybe one or two people I know.
Anyway, more details later, if and when I emerge from this mire of self-pity into which I sink all the deeper.
In any event, we got lots and lots of info.
Unfortunately, the upshot is that it's going to be another couple months before I'm back on my own game. Which means another couple months of sitting on my ass as much as possible.
I know, many people out there wish it were them. I, myself, have dreamed of this kind of thing from time to time. But, honestly, no one likes bed rest. Especially for months on end. No one. Well, okay, maybe one or two people I know.
Anyway, more details later, if and when I emerge from this mire of self-pity into which I sink all the deeper.
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